glitchups
by mamabot
Summary: Yes another oneshot crack silly for a contest. This time for the Ratchet Club at da. TFP Ratchet learns about hiccups *. Comes straight from me and 2 of my sons. Miko *, Jack, Raff, Bulkhead and of course... Optimus *.


Rating: T

Universe: Transformer's Prime

Reason? Ratchet Club Contest July 2012 "Learning Something About Humans"

Warnings: Kids, don't try this in your silo, base, barn or home. Animated kids are not the same as real ones. And not all Autobots found this funny.

Copyright: darhhh. I'm not sure if I've seen someone do this before, but this is all my cracked idea with the help of an 8 & 11 year old sons.

*Hic* "Oh leave me the *hic* alone!" Miko stomps out of Bulkhead with Raff and Jack right behind her.

"I'm just saying, it always works for my mom." Jack shrugs taking his bag to the kid's rec area of the Autobot base. Meanwhile Miko is still hic-upping. Raff, short as he is, keeps trying to 'boo' 'rahhh' and other such scary leaps into her face.

"Give it up, Shortstuff." Bulkhead sniggers. "Remember, even zombies don't scare her."

Jack chortles, "Well we could take her out to _Jackhammer _again and watch Wheeljack's experiments."

Bulkhead snarls at Miko's delighted hiccing-mock, "Jack, I'm going to hang you from rafters by your shoelaces if you suggest that again."

Ratchet has been watching all this with extreme fascination. Mostly the very odd sharp noise coming from the young femme, er, female human.

Miko barks, "For the * last * time, Jack! * I*m, not going to swallow an *nion slice *hole. Oh *rag." She tries holding her breath again.

Now Ratchet cocks a brow at Bulkhead in warning. The green mech shoves Miko in the back in rebuke for the bad word, thus sending her staggering and expelling all the air from her cheeks.

"Now * look whata* done, Blul*ead" She huffs, "*ou gone and *'em worse*"

Bulkhead throws his hands up in despair. "I'm out scrounging for 'Cons if anyone asks."

"Can * come?" Miko hic-squeals.

Bulkhead leans in, "No. Can't sneak up on them with a glitched human."

"They*re hi*-ups not *lich ups! Of*" planting her hands on her hips while her poor diaphragm lurches a few more times.

"No." And the big green mech orders, transforms, and rolls away.

Miko stomps, "Man that *."

Raff jumps off the control platform onto Ratchet's neck making him scream "AHHAhahahH! What are you doing?" Miko hic-laughs harder.

Jack can't even help laughing this time. "Oh, that was a good one, Raff. Only it back fired." Now Miko is clutching her side in giggling pain while Ratchet is extracting Raff from his back collar armor (afraid of him slipping further down in his own giggling fit).

Raff shrugs sheepishly at Ratchet once in palm before the furrowed optic brows, "Well, I'm to small to give her a good jolting scare so I thought somebody taller might be able to."

Ratchet scowls trying to get his spark to calm down to it's normal rate. "Bad plan." He thwaks his spark cover and smirks, "You want a scare? Tell Optimus you made his only medic have a spark-attack trying to …" The expression changes back to confusion, "What **are** you trying to do?"

Jack scratches his head, "Miko's got the hiccups and we are trying to cure her."

Ratchet narrows his gaze, "Since when do sparkling, er, younglings _cure _their friends?"

Jack shakes his head chuckling, "It's not like that, Ratchet. It's a quirk… a temporary twitch like thingie."

Miko pops a finger up, "Uh*ung*! I heard some *ck had them for *months." Frustrated she holds up six fingers.

"That sounds serious," Ratchet warns.

Raff goffs and shakes his head, "According to Webster's New World Dictionary, hiccups are a sudden involuntary contraction of the diaphragm that closes the glottis at the moment of breathing in so sharp a quick sound is produced." He gives Ratchet time to translate the information. "See, not so serious."

Still Ratchet is confused, "And how does this _cure _have anything to do with you risking your life -and my sanity- by leaping down my back plating?"

Jack steps up, "There are a bunch of old wife's tales that have cures to hiccups. Such as drinking water upside down, holding your breath, swallowing a slice of onion whole, tickle the roof of your mouth, a spoonful of sugar-"

Raff takes a chance: He rolls off the back of Ratchet's finger tips. Miko and Jack scream, Ratchet swiftly catches the little genius with his other hand. "Primus Rafael!"

Miko hics again, "Oh Raf!* I had no idea *tchet was so *ift. Nice! *o it again! Come on *oc Bo*, show us your moves."

Ratchet and Jack shake their heads groaning while Raff and Miko laugh. Raff pats Ratchet's palm, "I trust you, implicitly Ratchet. I know I am safe in your hands."

Ratchet taps the kid's head, "You _weren't in my hand!" _He sighs,_ "_You on the other hand, I am beginning to NOT trust. What is all t_his?"_

Jack groans, "The other thought is if you can scare someone bad enough, it will, er 'jumpstart' the muscle. Like a reset button."

Ratchet's optics go wide, "Like an electrical shock for your heart?"

Jack snaps his fingers, "YES! Exactly."

Ratchet turns back to the tiny prankster in his palm, "And what have **I** got to do with this Rafael?"

"Well you are always saying you want to learn more about human nature. Think about it, you are part of the cure…? Erm, right?"

Ever so carefully, Ratchet sets the little prankster into his incoming guardian's black & yellow palm. Bee eeps and beeps at him, while stretching. "I don't care Bee. I understand last night was a long night. But he is going to give me a spark arrest trying to _cure _his friend from a nuisance. So unless you can find someone else to watch over him, he's your problem." With a huff, Ratchet turns to Miko, "Let's see if we can find a logical, rational, _medical cure _for these muscle spasms." And then he mumbles to himself, "How do I always get myself into these things? Right…Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer… "

Jack smirks to himself and wanders down the hall with a plan.

Miko pats the white grieve, "Hey, *oc, no one's ever *ied from the *ups, so don't *ret. *kay?"

Ratchet smiles, "Alright, but it is getting a bit annoying."

Miko groans, "Yeah, * me about *"

~~~~~~ Hours pass ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* snore* snore* comes from the rec area. Raff is leading the way into the main room deep in conversation with Optimus, "… all I'm saying is it would be a much better if-"

"EIIII-AAACKKKK!"

Raff whips his head around in time to see the huge patriotic leader stumbling back slamming into the frame of the hall way waving his hands in front of his face. Then Raff looks up to see what startled The Prime so badly to emit an…. UnOptimus-like reaction.

There hanging from the rafters by his shoelaces was Jack. "Hey Raff."

"Hey Jack. Just had to push that button, hm?" Jack shrugs upside down in answer.

Ratchet, Bulkhead and Arcee rush into the room weapons drawn. Miko's sits up from the couch, optics wide staring at Optimus regaining his composure with a hand to his spark. The Chief Medical Officer snaps, "What on Earth is going on?"

Miko smiles, "Hey, my hic ups are gone."

"What * are * ups?*"

They all turn to the tallest mech on the base against the wall, "*What?*" he asks. *

"We're gonna need a bigger onion." Miko sniggers.


End file.
